Geoffrey the Giraffe’s All-Staff Goodbye Email

Hi all,

I wish I could say it’s been great working with you for the past five decades, but to be honest, I wouldn’t even recognize most of you if we passed each other on the street. Not to sound like an arrogant prick, but you guys just never ascended to my level, you know? I’m not too worried about burning bridges, primarily because I’m a fucking giraffe and have no reason to be on a bridge. Also, because I’ve seen the doodles you’ve done of me over the years in budget meetings and frankly, they were so awful it was offensive. No contouring. No shading. My neck is my DEFINING FEATURE and half of the sketches made me look like a German Shepherd with leprosy.

Don’t even get me started on the absolute mockery you’ve made of my name. If I had an acacia leaf for every “Jeff,” “Jeffrey,” and even “Geoff” that appeared in my inbox…okay, I’d probably still be able to fit down the board games aisle, but you get where I was going with that. I’m your distinguished mascot, I’m old as hell, and I’m also a solid nine or ten feet taller than you plebeians, so at least pretend to have some respect. It’s Geoffrey. Not G-Dawg, G-Money, or G-Eazy. Unless you’re my millennial barista with the blunt-cut bangs who makes me feel young again.

All gripes aside, I have had some great times here over the years, even if most of them involved everyone exploiting me — like the Christmas party back in ’96 when you guys took turns riding me through the Marriott lobby. Sorry again for throwing you off, Joanne, but you were getting a little handsy. Speaking of getting handsy, I also secretly enjoyed the impromptu “pin the tail on the giraffe” game that someone dreamed up after a few Long Island Iced Teas at the Atlantic City offsite. Oh, and remember that day I shotgunned a keg at the Summer Picnic and then realized that keg was intended to last us the whole day? LOL!

I’m sure you’re all dying to know what’s next for me. As you can imagine, my storied reputation in the toy retailer mascot industry has afforded me a plethora of opportunities. The Turtle Back Zoo has been falling all over themselves to get me in for an interview, but the idea of being caged in after running the show for so many years seems unwise. I’m an innovator, a change agent, and a visionary, so I’m consulting and taking some time to smell the wild apricot trees while I take the time to find the right fit for me, both in terms of culture and actual ceiling height in the office.

My daughter recently helped me create a LinkedIn profile if you care to connect with me there. She’s growing up so fast! It was just last year that the entire Internet was witnessing her birth, which was beautiful, but I’m still a little uneasy about the fact that so many people saw my wife April naked. Oh god, please don’t look it up.

You can also reach me at my personal email, which I’ve CCed here. I know I’ve probably alienated most of you, but don’t hesitate to reach out if you need a recommendation or want me to get something you can’t reach. I only sleep for about 20 minutes a day, so it will be a welcome distraction from monitoring my wife’s spots for melanoma.

Best,

Geoffrey