The Reach and Rotate
Next time you find yourself strategically at Home Depot on a Sunday afternoon, pick an item on the highest shelf you can find, like, say, a lightbulb. Don’t need a lightbulb? Doesn’t matter — that’s not the point. Raise your right arm up to the sky, groan loudly and strangely enough to make everyone else in aisle five wonder what the fuck is wrong with you, and then turn exactly 90 degrees toward the unsuspecting bearded hunk on your right, screaming “YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE!” Now you have a lightbulb and a date. Or, if executed poorly, a security escort out of the store. Practice makes perfect!
The Slip and Split
For this one, you’ll want to make sure you carry around a perfectly ripe banana peel in your purse and wear a pair of pants that’s way too tight but that you can’t bring yourself to throw away. You know the one. When the object of your affection isn’t looking, place the peel on the ground in front of you, take an exaggerated pratfall, and let those Lululemons rip. If you’re a more advanced practitioner, feel free to go right into an actual split without ruining a paycheck’s worth of yoga pants.
The Jog and Wiggle
Your regular workout routine will take approximately three hours longer than normal, but it’ll be worth it when you’re complaining to your friends about your man’s refusal to help out around the house! Perhaps the most self-explanatory of the bunch, the Jog and Wiggle involves two easy steps: jogging for three paces, then wiggling in place for six. Repeat until the Adonis behind you asks you out or calls a park ranger. We highly recommend investing in a fluffy tail and/or complete bunny costume — a la Elle — for maximum effectiveness.
The Sneeze and Shimmy
First, get good and symptomatic by contracting the cold that’s going around your petri dish of an office or locking yourself in a room with your allergen of choice; several cats seem to do the trick for many of our ladies. As soon as you feel a really powerful sneeze coming on, angle yourself toward your future beau and spew “Achoo-se you!”, shaking your shoulders aggressively or letting your feverish chills do the rest if you’re legitimately ill.
The High Kick and Hobble
If you’ve always wanted to be a Rockette but never had the talent, discipline, or connections, now’s your chance. It certainly helps to be in a place where abruptly attempting to lift your leg up to your head mid-conversation doesn’t seem batshit insane, like Radio City Music Hall, but it’s not necessary. It’s all about making a memorable first impression, and we guarantee that the hottie in line behind you at the bodega will be pondering your sudden show of inflexibility all day long. Possibly because you captured his heart, but more likely because he’s thinking, “Who the hell was that weirdo that nearly kicked me in the face and then limped away without apologizing?” Not in the mood to pull a hamstring? Try the Pirouette and Topple, a popular modification.
The Double Dip and Grin
We bet you didn’t realize that a totally egregious party foul could snag you a man! And it probably won’t, but it’s worth a try. At your friend’s next dinner party, stake out a primo spot near the hummus and pita spread and dig in. As the smoldering stud of your dreams makes eye contact, start with a tiny scoop and dainty bite to get him hooked. Then, immediately return the tainted pita to the bowl and shovel up a portion the size of your head right into your cakehole. When he inevitably grimaces in response, just flash your best “who, me?!” smile, exaggeratedly shrugging your shoulders for emphasis. It’s all about the timing with this one.
The Wink and Weep
Show him that you know how to be cute and coy…AND that you’re always mere seconds away from falling completely apart! The advantage to this technique is that it’s totally versatile and can be done anywhere: on the bus, at the office, or even over the Hass avocados in the produce section of your local supermarket! Start by channeling your inner Rihanna, work-work-work-work-working those long lashes, all while thinking about the end of A Star Is Born so you can be ready to unleash the waterworks as soon as he meets your gaze. If you’re feeling particularly bold, mutter “I just wanted to take another look at you” in between sobs.
The Lie Down and Nap
Because this shit is exhausting.